My daughter is almost 3 (2 years, 10-1/2 months old). When she was born we lived in a very clean but very small one-bedroom apartment. Her crib was right next to our bed. Very shortly after that we moved into our slightly-larger-than-that home, which is still not all that nice. Her bed is a hand-me-down and she doesn’t have beautiful bedroom furniture. I never even had a rocking chair or glider for her. She isn’t in the nicest preschool and I haven’t actually decided if I’ll send her at all. I buy all of her clothes at outlet stores when they are deeply discounted and gratefully accept any hand-me-downs that are passed my way. I’ve never owned a BabyBjörn 
).
However, I have the happiest little girl you’ll ever meet. She’s healthy and smart and already has her own sense of style. In her little world, she has more than enough. She has her parents’ almost undivided attention, a warm bed, comfy clothes and tasty food – what else is there?
But what about music lessons and dance lessons and her education? Think of all the things she’s missing out on! If those are your thoughts, I politely disagree. My daughter’s world is full of learning and curiosity and discovery. Her life is rich with things that are lasting and forming – gentleness, kindness, love, peace, creativity, patience, manners and faith (not to say that I embody these things – but I try to).
In our home my husband and I have made a tough choice. Not only have we chosen to go without things, but we’ve chosen for our daughter to go without things too. GASP! That’s right. Don’t get me wrong – she will always have everything she needs but for the time being, she won’t have a lot of extras. We are willing to go without unnecessary things as a family right now in order to have a better future. We’ll always do our best to live a responsible and frugal lifestyle but I’m hoping that the sacrifices we make right now will open up more opportunities for us as a family down the road.
So right now, Chloe won’t have all the latest outfits from Baby Gap, designer sneakers, toddler-sized living room furniture or even professional haircuts but maybe she’ll be able to take cello lessons when she’s 12, go on a trip with her ski team, visit Disney with the cheer-leading squad or go to college without student loans. I don’t know which activities she’ll choose to pursue or what area she will excel in, but I do know this: because we’ve chosen to cut back right now our daughter will never even remember when we didn’t have much.
Why I do what I do ~ My life is full, blessed and rich. Each day I am so very grateful for an adoring husband, a healthy child and a love-filled home.
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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }
Kids need love and food and warmth. The rest is a bonus and some would argue that many of the “bonuses” come with their own set of negatives.
I’m assuming the picture at the top of the post is your daughter. What a positively adorable (and happy looking) child!
I’m impressed that you’re focusing on what’s truly important in your daughter’s life.
What a reassuring, inspirational post! Lately I have been worrying whether or not I am depriving Emma by not enrolling her in all the child activities offered (music, art, tumbling, etc.) but after reading your post I feel reassured that I too am doing the best I can and she has all that she truly NEEDS. Thank you
Amanda
You’re giving her what she needs most right now. The values that you are instilling in your daughter are much more important than any lesson or material item that you could possibly give her.
When I was a little girl my parents barely had enough money to pay the bills and put food on the table, but I don’t feel at all cheated. They took care of me, loved me and taught me real values in life.
Those are the things that are remembered and appreciated most in the long run anyway.
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Great Post! You took the words right out of my mouth!! Although I have 3 children– a teen, an almost-teen, and a 5 y/o! With the first two we were actually so broke, but now it is more a conscious choice we are making to not buy things. I get all kinds of cool clothing by shopping thrift stores or rummage sales, and deeply discounted retail sales. The only new items bought are at birthdays and Christmas and even then I limit them. By the time they get gifts from the other family members they always still end up with too much stuff! To the older girls I explain how we are focusing on paying off all debt so that in the future there will be money available for meaningful things/events that come up. They don’t ask for much and are really learning to be thrifty & wise with their money. My 5 y/o son has just now gotten into the “can you buy me this, can you buy me that” phase. I blame the tv and his classmates who have also been influenced by all the commercials. I do NOT give in. If he wants extra things he has to save his money to buy them. It is finally starting to sink in that money is not available in infinite quantities…but he also is not above hitting up the grandparents for the cash…what is one to do?
After my son was born, I went back to work after 12 weeks, and my husband stayed home with him. I had the best paying job with the insurance benefits, and we did not want my husband to go to work at a job he didn’t really like anyway just to pay someone else to babysit our little one…we had to start making serious cutbacks then and we have never stopped. It was definitely worth it to have the peace of knowing that they were spending quality time together, being well cared for and loved. It made it alot easier for me to go to work every morning as I did not have to worry.
It is never about the amount of money spent but the amount of time spent together. We try to make all the Family Fun days we can to do things together…even if it is just a water balloon fight out in the backyard. Some of my fondest memories of my childhood was when my dad would take time from working and just be goofy, playing with me out in the yard. Those kind moments are Free, yet Priceless.
I love this post – it’s exactly how I feel, too!
Great job, Nicki. Now, if only others would follow suit. The only “designer” duds my girls wear are consignment, hand-me-downs, or extremely on sale. They have everything they need… and saving on “extras” – or doing w/o them – allows me to stay home and homeschool. My husband and I have decided that any sacrifice is worth it if I can stay home with my girls.
They won’t remember what the tag on their shirt said… GAP or Faded Glory. They’ll remember the stories, the crafts, the quality TIME.
Love ya, Nicki! You’re right on the money with this one! (no pun intended)
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I enjoy reading your blog and completely agree with what you wrote. Sometimes all the things we “give” our kids become more of a burden to them. So many are so busy in organized lessons and sports that they don’t get to be a kid. My family is doing some of what you just wrote about as well so I really enjoyed your insights.
Chloe is a lucky little girl. Her parents know what matters, and for that, she is rich.
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I hope you read this post http://tinyurl.com/d5xmmo about an informal survey I did on this subject. I agree – she’ll be better off.
I LOVE this! Look at that gorgeous little girl you have…she is as happy as a kid can get.
Great, great post. Thanks for the reminder that it’s not at all about the material things.
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The best things in Life are free! And you have those in abundance!
Hi Nicki,
I love this post. My husband and I think very similarly when it comes to our two boys. They don’t have all the latest and greatest of anything really. Designer stuff they do get is usually as gifts from family and friends. We’ve chosen to cut back on unimportant things for ourselves and our family so that I can stay at home and raise our two boys. We also do without so we can build a healthy savings for later on when the boys are older and we can do things that will be meaningful and create great memories.
We are definitely the sacrifice some of today for tomorrow people and so far so good.
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Well, I kind of disagree with your statement that you have chosen for your daughter has to go without things.
It appears that besides living in a world of love and safety, she is quite well off, when we consider the big picture.
1/7th of the world population lives in hunger daily. It seems you are feeding your daughter just fine. A good portion of those are without shoes.
A good portion of these live in 1 room shelters or are without a permanent home.
A good portion of those don’t have a mom who could home school them, and instead mom, dad and kids have to work to feed the family.
I think you are doing very well.
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Chloe is very lucky! I’m impressed that you haven’t let yourself get pulled in to the “I have to have it” syndrome that’s become an American way of life. Many do this and are in debt up to their ears! Not only are you not going into debt, your saving for your future.
Pretty cool.
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We also had very little when my daughter was in preschool.
I was a single mom (divorced when she was a year old / remarried when she was almost 5). I worked full-time, but finances were a struggle because the day care bills were more than my rent. We got by with hand-me-downs, helpful and encouraging relatives and friends, and just being resourceful. She doesn’t remember any of that time in her life.
As I look over the recommendations that the experts now have for the preschool years, I realize I gave my daughter a much better start on life than a family of wealthier means might have done.
She has grown up to be a very responsible, mature young lady who earned her Girl Scout Gold Award, graduated from high school with a 3.9 GPA and is on partial scholarship at a private college.
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So excellent! The most valuable thing you can give your kids is yourself.
It’ll be another two years before your little girl even knows all that junk is out there. As AJ points out, when she starts to mix with more affluent kids, she will see they have stuff (LOTS of stuff) and start to want the latest of everything. Resist.
It’s very hard: when my son was five, we carpooled with the child of a woman who bought him a different pair of Vans for every day of the week. Do they still have Vans? They were these stupidly overpriced canvas sneakers in bright colors and patterns. It was a stretch for us to buy one pair for him! He wore shoes from FedMart, Costco’s (downscale!) predecessor. Later in grade school, all the other kids in his class got to go on a ski trip to Telluride over every spring break; he’s never forgiven us for not sending him on those.
On the other hand, today he knows how to manage money. At thirty, he has no debt, except for a mortgage.
Indeed.
Bravo!
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I can personally guarantee she won’t remember. I didn’t even realize it until I grew up and realized we were poor. Not just two parent poor but single parent poor.
http://www.livingalmostlarge.com/2009/01/13/from-rags-to-riches/
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What a great post, Nicki! So well said, and all so true!
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Very well said, Mom! And don’t for a minute feel guilty or let others make you feel bad. You are doing the right thing, and your daughter will learn even more wonderful things because of it. Good job!
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That was absolutely beautiful. I was raised very poor and never “felt” poor. I thought the boxes of hand-me-down clothes from the well-to-do distant relative was much better than store-bought. My daughter does without many things, because we didn’t throw every “thing” at her from the time she was born. Now, as a teen, she doesn’t want much — except lots of love. Which, of course, we always have. : ) Thank you for the exquisite post.
awwww, it’s great to read something so wonderful and uplifting for once! thanks for sharing
I’ve been meaning to write something like this, but you’ve done it more beautifully than I could have. I hope everyone reads this.
My kids are 18 and 20 now.
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Bravo. My three year olds have turned into 19 and 21 year olds, but they were raised with exactly the same philosophy. They have now both been to several countries, will graduate with real stakes in their future that they helped provide for themselves, and without student loans, car loans or credit card debt.
They are charming, funny, and responsible enough to find and hold down great part time jobs while they study. Last semester they both came to me individually and said I could keep the money I had been providing them each month. They can take it from here! I am so proud of them, and so happy that my husband I somehow figured out that what they needed when they were young was not stuff, but us.
My grandmother was born in 1936 and when she was growing up her parents did whatever they could to earn money, including picking fruit in the orchards of central California. During that time she remembered living in a TENT but she never, ever could recall feeling poor. And she was NOT the type of person to count her blessings and minimize her hard times. She just honestly had the happiest, most contented childhood ever, surrounded by her parents and grandparents and people who loved her. Thanks for reminding me that it can still be that way today.
Blessings to you and your sweet family!
Keep doing what you are doing, it works! I am raising my son the same way, except for he does go to preschool because I have to work. I don’t buy him a lot and do a lot of things with him and I must say, he is so non-materialistic compared to all the kids in his class. He doesn’t ask for stuff all the time and he is very loving and kind.
Ah,
How we fool ourselves into thinking we are doing the “right” thing for ourselves and our children. She may not remember it, but you will and the unfortunate shame that accompanies it in America today will be left indelibly in her frontal lobes aching for some outlet in the future. Surprise, we were so “down to earth” and she’s so materialistic.
Talk to the boomers, they will advise you sadly of expected outcomes and realities.
Stay true!
Nicki, you are an amazing mother … full of love joy and the best friend anyone could ever ask for.
It is amazing how we fool ourselves as a society into thinking that there is so much value to be held in material things. I grew up in big beautiful homes, with all the “things” I could have ever asked for. Not once have ever looked back and thought about those things and how great they were. I have however, wondered what it would have been like to have a family to spent time together, sat down and had dinner together at night and didn’t put so much value on the things they had. Now that I am all grown up and have a family of my own, I have choosen a life much different than the one that I was brought up in. It is so important that we teach our children that there is so much more to this precious life we are given than “things.” When I grow old I want my children to be able to look back at more than just the “things” they had.
As for Chloe, there is no doubt in my mind that she will turn out to be the same kind of wonderful, happy, educated and spiritual woman that you are. And she will always have these moments to look back on and know just how much she was loved.
At this age, why not spend less? I have a little girl who will be 3 in August and I buy everything on clearance. I buy in bigger sizes for the next year. I figure at this age she is not picky, but I can get her some pretty cute outfits cheap. I am sure when she becomes a teenager we will spend more on clothes for her, but I am also sure that she will learn from me and buy when on clearance. We plan to just give her a certain amount and tell her to make the most out of it.
My 10 year old is not particular about clothes yet either. I buy clothes on clearance throughout the year and then when school starts I don’t have to buy much. I recently bought him size 14 jeans for next school year for $4 and $6 – these were US POlo and LL Cool J jeans.
LIsette
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So well put and how wise! Thanks so much for sharing!
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Hi Niki, I meant to email and tell you I was linking but time got away from me. Thanks for the wonderful post!
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