Starting New Things

Chloe is now in kindergarten.  What a week and a half it has been. Many of you out there are remembering the first day you sent your first child to school and you’re nodding your knowing nod in my direction.

Starting new things is exciting … and scary. For Chloe – all of this has been exciting. For me, it’s been scary. My house seems quiet while she’s gone and her toys don’t get scattered through our apartment. I miss her constant chatter and wonder what she’s up to many times per day.

I’ve told myself over and over – I won’t be that parent that holds my child so tightly that she can’t blossom, but I have to admit that I’m tempted. She seemed so excited leading up to the first day of school and the knowing mom that I am, I thought, “She’ll panic when she gets there. She’ll get nervous and miss home. I just know they’ll call me because she’s crying.” I kept it to myself, not wanting to instill any fear in her – but I knew. At the last minute, she’d be clinging to my leg.

This is what was running through my mind when I checked with Chloe, just to be sure, “You don’t want to ride the school bus do you? There are big kids on there. I’m happy to bring you to school and pick you up.” My confident 5-year-old replied, “I want to ride the bus.” Over the next few week before school I tried to talk myself into it and I felt near-panic at the thought of my little girl climbing on a bus with all of those older kids. No way. I brought it up multiple times, “Are you sure you want to take the bus? I’d be happy to bring you.” She still wanted to.

All summer I’d been encouraging Chloe to be brave about things and try new things. I urged her at her swimming lessons and with riding a 2-wheel bicycle. Now, here she was wanting to be brave and ride the school bus and I wasn’t ready to let go. I felt hypocritical. I made the arrangements for the bus and held my breath, hoping she’d change her mind.

I was at war within myself – I wanted her to be brave and to succeed independently, but I still wanted her to need me. The first day of school came, and through a mix up on the bus driver’s side, the bus didn’t pick her up. We brought her in to school and walked her to her classroom. She hung up her backpack in her cubby and was about to dart into the classroom without saying goodbye to us. I called to her and she turned around, smiled and ran back to us, giving hugs and kisses. She told us goodbye and love you and ran into the classroom. She didn’t cling to my leg. She didn’t cry. She didn’t even seem nervous. We peered through the door as she giggled and pulled a chair up near another little girl. She seemed fine; more than fine. She seemed happy.

We left the school, wondering if she’d be happy all day and how she’d do. I wondered. I felt nervous. I sat at the bus stop for quite a while that afternoon, waiting, dreading the thought of a tear-stained little girl getting off the bus. 3:00 came and my heart was beating in anticipation. I nearly cried happy tears when I saw my daughter get off the bus with the biggest smile on her face.

Her day was great and she loved everything – even the bus. She chattered on and on about her day and I loved every moment and so it’s been for the last week and a half; me getting used to my new normal, me getting used to her growing up. My life feels completely different and I’m trying to be brave … like Chloe. I never dreamed it would be so hard to start letting go.

Three cheers and tight hugs to the brave moms and dads everywhere. I seriously had no idea what was ahead of me …

Why I do what I do ~ Here’s the funny part of the story. When Chloe got off the bus she had her shoes on the wrong feet, was missing her socks and had her skirt on backwards. We later found out she hadn’t used the bathroom at school one time that day, which begs the question – how did her skirt end up backwards?

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